Boundaries and Burnout

Finding healthy boundaries is an issue with a lot of resonance for me.

The reason this issue sets off bells ringing is because I experienced severe burnout a couple of years ago. A friendship evolved into something that was so demanding and painful that something in me finally snapped. I've now been left with the effects of post traumatic stress and anxiety. This still feels like something that is foreign to me, as I have a naturally placid temperament. (I was one of those smiling "easy" babies). I had no idea what was happening to me when my first panic attack hit... all I knew was I was shaking all over and couldn't stand up.

This experience made me realise that if burnout can happen to me (naturally laid back soul that I am!), it can happen to anyone.

This is a really difficult issue to balance as a Christian. Part of the life of discipleship is caring for others, part of the life of discipleship is going the extra mile, part of the life of discipleship is "laying down your life". Christians speak of the ideal of unconditional love; of loving others as Christ loved us. What are the boundaries around such a love? Such love took Christ all the way to the cross.

Yet there is a difference to responding to the invitation of the Holy Spirit to lay down our life in service of others, and responding to the needs, wants, demands and even manipulations of other people. Somehow in responding to the invitation of the Spirit we find life, even when this entails sacrifice. But responding to the needs, wants, demands and manipulations of other people can lead us down some dark and dangerous places. Instead of finding life, we can find our life and health being squeezed out of us. We suffer... and then find we have not been bringers of life through our suffering, but creators of unhealthy co-dependency. Only God should "play God" in the life of another.

Discerning what is an invitation of the Holy Spirit, and what is a human response to wants and needs and demands requires wisdom. We need to find a deeper life of contemplation and awareness to keep our paths straight. We may serve others not so much for love of Christ, but to make ourselves feel better, or to relieve our conscience, or to fill the ache of loneliness, or because we dare not say no, or because we dare not risk rejection from others, or because we expect ourselves to be perfect. There are 101 unhealthy ways to serve... but responding to the invitation of the Spirit is the one healthy and life-giving reason to give our life away.

There are places of weakness and vulnerability in every life. Awareness of our own points of vulnerability, and putting strategies in place to manage these, can help prevent “emotional shipwreck”. There is no substitute for a strong network of supportive relationships, intentionally working as a team in ministry with others, and strong personal accountability (supervisor, spiritual director, mentor). Healthy life rhythms (regular exercise, family time, recreation, sabbath, space for spiritual nurture, time for positive social contact) are also protective. Even with all this in place, we are not “bullet-proof”… we need to be able to take our emotional temperature from time to time, and attend to our “warning bells”. We need to be willing to display “tough love” to those who would trample on our boundaries; we need to give ourselves the gift of renewing time when our stress levels start climbing; we need most of all to listen to the Spirit who invites us to real life.

In Luke 4, Jesus heals Peter’s mother in law, engages in many acts of healing and deliverance, and has the crowds clamouring for more. We then read:

At daybreak Jesus went out to a solitary place. The people were looking for him and when they came to where he was, they tried to keep him from leaving them. But he said, "I must preach the good news of the kingdom of God to the other towns also, because that is why I was sent."

The rhythm of solitary space we see in Jesus’ life kept him from being at the beck and call of the crowds. Instead, Jesus kept in step with God’s Spirit: "I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does. For the Father loves the Son and shows him all he does.” (John 5:19 – 20)

The demands of people did not crush our Lord: for Jesus ministry involved “doing nothing by himself” but doing what the Father was doing through the power of the Spirit.

How do you manage boundaries and life balance? Have you ever been burnt (or at least singed) from overstretching your limits? I'd be interested to hear your perspectives.